


If I Were A Rich Man

by Donsular



Category: Mary Poppins (Movies)
Genre: Does it count if it’s in leerie?, F/M, Kinda?, Rhyming, Singing, Some leerie speak, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25507858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donsular/pseuds/Donsular
Summary: Jack hasn’t hung out with the lads for a while. And when they finally get together, a debate breaks out: is it good to be rich?
Relationships: Jane Banks/Jack
Kudos: 15





	If I Were A Rich Man

**Author's Note:**

> I’m trying something a little different here so my rhyming might not be the most exciting. Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

It had been a week since he’d actually been out with his friends. He’d spoken to them between work, of course, but it had been a week since they’d done anything together. So when Jack got to the pub, it was certainly a welcome sight to see his friends piled into the old dingy building.

Several of his closest friends: Angus, Joey, Freddie, Vinnie and Yatesy, were sat at a table off to the side as Angus entertained them.

“I’ve been working on this all night. It’ll be the perfect advert!” He beamed.

“Oh, Hey Jack!” Joey greeted as he spotted the leerie, “You’re just in time for Angus’ big reveal.” Jack smiled fondly at Angus’ childish grin. He was clearly very proud of what he’d accomplished. Sitting at the table, Angus stood up to show off the board.

“Ta-da!” As he lifted the sign, the 5 of them got a look at it, and they couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Pole dancers! It’s not about the money, it’s about keeping you turned on!’

The group fell about in a fit of laughter as Angus kept grinning, as his board clearly had the desired effect.

“I love it! Don’t change anything!” Yatesy cackled.

Over on the other side of the pub, there was an eruption of voices. Looking over, it seemed that one of the larger groups were in some sort of increasingly heated debate.

“I can’t be the only one who thinks that! I know I’m right!” Oscar clearly wasn’t happy as he looked around for anyone else who may agree with whatever point he had argued. Hurrying over to the giggling table, he slammed his hands down and leant over them.

“Alright, settle an argument. Being rich, good or bad?” They all looked between one another, deciding on their thoughts, as Angus piped up,

“Well of course it’s good! Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I think they’re probably going on about how it can change you.”

“Well, I’d rather be an ass if it meant I didn’t go hungry.”

“Thank you!” Oscar’s exasperation was very audible as he raised his arms in success, “See guys, he gets it!” As he hopped back to his own table, Vinnie turned to Angus.

“So if having tons of money is so great, what’d you do with it?” Angus only needed to think for a minute before he had the perfect idea,

“If I were a Rich man, I’d make sure to show it! Dressing in gold suits with a perfect fit, but with the same low class humour the rich won’t permit, and a brand new watch instead of this piece of shit!”

“Yeah but let’s face it, you’d still look like a git!” Angus glared at Yatesy as his words cut a little deeper than intended. But he continued nonetheless,

“I’d buy a nice big house in the middle of the city, something big and something pretty. With tons of rooms, at least, like, fifty. Then I won’t need any more damn pity!  
One grand staircase just going up, while I drink vintage wine from an expensive cup. Then another staircase down even further, passing one that’s just for show!” The group laughed at his crazy dream, but secretly, they could all happily get used to a life like that.

“I’ll hire seven maids to clean up the dust. Pay ‘em so much they won’t make a fuss. Eating great meals that would never disgust-“

“Hang on a minute what about us?” Angus looked at Joey in surprise.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, from the sounds of it, you’re just going to forget all about us. We can’t have that.” Angus scoffed at his brother,

“Alright then, what would you do?” Joey was even more prepared than Angus had been, jumping into his ideas immediately as he heavily gestured to the group.

“If I had money, of course family comes first,” he looked at Angus, “Feed them all till the point they burst, then start with those who’ve been treated the worst and make them all feel better.” Joey was proud of his rhyme, but clearly, Angus hadn’t heard enough,

“And?” Joey laughed at his challenge. As if he wouldn’t be able to continue!

“Start with food to fill their belly, money for water so they’re not so smelly, give some of the riches to my mate: Nellie, so she can better support her business.”

“And what about yourself? Don’t you want anything?” Vinnie questioned.

“Of course I’d like some for my own. To live in a gold house with a platinum throne. I could pay off all the debts I owe, but the money won’t last forever. That’s why I refuse to waste it. Change is coming, you can almost taste it. If they take the money, they can make it: a whole new world of their own.” The leeries all seemed to be satisfied with his answer. And as the question was passed on, Freddie couldn’t help but point out,

“I don’t know if I’d want to be rich, I don’t want the money to change me.” Yatesy was shocked that he’d be so willing to turn down such wealth, clearly on the side of ‘money=good’.

“When you’ve got money, you’re a god, a king! All the money for frivolous things, cover yourself in watches and rings, and walk through the streets while you happily sing. Suddenly everyone wants your friendship, some are so desperate they’ll happily beg for it! Making sure you never face hardship, over puddles they’ll lay a red carpet!” Jack chuckled to himself,

“Alright come on, money’s not that great.” Yatesy scoffed,

“The homeless beg for it, the desperate worship it, the high class welcome it, and I am all up for it! I’ll happily wear a golden crown. It’s better than being a poor hungry clown.” This time, Freddie joined in to back up Jack,

“Yeah but let’s face it, new money always gets treated badly by rich people.” Jack nodded in agreement.

“If you’re new money, you look pretty funny. They still think you should be up a chimney, sweeping, kneeling, or selling your kidney!”

“Yeah, but, come on! Just think of the money!” Freddie continued despite Yatesy.

“When you’re new money, you won’t get respect. To the old millionaires, you’re still just an object: a dumb little leerie with no proper intellect. And the reason they think that, is our rough dialect!” Angus gasped,

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Cockney is exactly the most intelligent accent.”

“Ditch.” Appalled by his language, even if it was leerie speak, Joey smacked his brother upside the head, who in turn, let out a pathetically whimpered, ‘Ow!’ After finally surpressing his giggles, it was Vinnie who picked up the topic next.

“Who cares about what the rich people think?! We’ve got each other and d’ya know what I think? New and old money can vanish in a blink, but we’re the ones with real friends!” High-fiving Angus, he beamed in success.

“And think about it, that money could really change your life for the better! You could quit your job and take a rest, forget your boss breathing down your neck, you’re choices won’t be like a bottle neck, and you won’t break your neck for respect or a paycheque. All the time you lost tryna get something cheap. Never could your money be yours to keep. You work all day and when it’s time to sleep, you get right on up to work without a peep.” Everyone nodded in frustration about their lives.

“But when you’ve got money, you’ve got time. Less time working, more time for life. You can pay someone else to do the time and the crime! Hey Jack, why don’t you finish the line?”

All eyes turned to Jack, who had been fairly quiet. As a man who liked to give to make other people feel better, he hadn’t really considered what he’d want for himself.

“Come ooooon!”

“I don’t know. I’m in such a habit of being frugal that I think I’d struggle to spend it. I’d probably just end up giving most of it away.”

“Seriously?” Joey asked, “Can’t you think of anything you want for yourself?”

“Well...”

“Yes...?”

“Maybe being rich would be alright, I could probably have a pretty good life. I’d never have to worry about bills, but with a bit of luxury, I could have my fill. But I guess... if I was rich, I could make things right, and do my best to give Jane a comfortable life. But I’d like to think I can do that without a lavish lifestyle I know nothing about.” The rest of the group cooed at him as Jack became very aware of how warm his face felt.

“Well that’s adorable. Why the muck don’t I have a girlfriend?”

“Language!”

“Come on, it’s leerie speak, it’s hardly swearing.”

“Yeah but we all know exactly what you mean by it.” As Angus and Joey bickered, the rest of the group fell into a light conversation about money, meaning they were finally not paying any more attention to Jack, which he was rather grateful for.

He couldn’t help but wonder if he really could make her happy. With no money, he’d probably end up relying on her, which would certainly not look very good to most. She always said she didn’t mind how much money he had, but it’s not like she actually had much experience living the way he did. His hand trailed down to his pocket in thought. She’d said she loved him many times. And without much money, it meant he’d had to make things more often than not, which seemed to have a lot more sentiment to her. He was certainly very grateful of this, as she was a gorgeous woman he didn’t want to lose. She was funny, determined and just all round a kind person. Literally everything he could ever want in a partner. And as he felt the ring in his pocket, the most expensive thing he owned, he couldn’t help but wonder,

‘Would she relish being a poor man’s wife?’


End file.
